The Perfect You

By Ariel & Shya Kane
An Excerpt from How to Have A Match Made in Heaven: A Transformational Approach to Dating, Relating and Marriage

The Perfect You

A young man emphatically stated to us, “I’ll date when I lose weight!” We also know a married woman with three children who is reluctant to leave her home because she says, “I’m too fat. I don’t want people to see me this way.”

Where did you learn what is beautiful? Where did you learn what is ugly? Where did you learn what a perfect body looks like? How old were you when you came to these conclusions?

We were walking down the street in Paris several years ago to find ourselves taken by a body image considered to be “beautiful.” We were looking at the street lamps in front of the Paris Opera House. Built in the mid-1800s, those lamps are supported by statues of naked women. These castings done in the Neo-Baroque style are curvy with rounded bellies and by today’s standards they all need to go to Weight Watchers, visit Jenny Craig or at the very least, tighten their abs with a good dose of Pilates.

Our idea of a beautiful body was given to us by the culture in which we grew up. By the time we reached puberty we each had decided how we needed to look in order to have the perfect body. But by that time, we knew we never would.

One year the two of us led six weeks of consecutive courses at a conference center on Maui. The course room had an entire wall of mirrors, so we became comfortable seeing ourselves daily in shorts and even from time to time in our bikini and swimsuit. When we completed the groups, however, and went to the beach for a bit of R&R, we were surprised to discover that our bodies ap­peared sadly lacking. We realized that we were no lon­ger living in the cloistered environment in our courses, where people were encouraged to let go of their judg­mental nature. We were now looking in the same mirror where thousands of tourists before us had stood while being self-critical and we were surrounded by people in everyday life with their everyday criticisms and com­plaints about their bodies.

It was a lesson we never forgot. The culture that sur­rounds you can make a direct and immediate impact on your self-perceptions. If you want to know about your body image, begin by paying attention to your internal conversation without taking it personally.

“What?” you might say, “How can I possibly not take how I look and feel personally?”

It’s easy, once you realize that your thoughts about yourself and how you look are a collection of recordings stored in your internal jukebox or MP3 player. When the circumstances apply a little pressure, they play a familiar tune.

The key to creating something new rather than play­ing an oldie-but-not-so-goody is awareness. The art of awareness or self-observation without self-reproach is a skill set that can be learned. It’s like exercising a muscle. The more you simply see things without judging them, the better you get at neutrally observing yourself.

As you discover how to be kind to yourself rather than berate yourself for the body you have, it sets you up to find motivation for living a healthy lifestyle. If every time you step on a scale or go to the gym, you find reinforcement that you’re “fat,” sooner or later you’re going to want to quit on yourself. If every time you feel like having sex with your husband or wife you are worried about them seeing your body, it will be difficult to have the physical intimacy you crave.

Do you want to know a great secret for dissolving a negative body image? Practice your anthropological ap­proach. Pretend you’re a scientist observing a culture of one—yourself. The trick is not to judge what you see, but to neutrally observe how you function, including your thought processes. Awareness and kindness are key. If you have some extra pounds, be kind to yourself right now, not when you lose the weight and not when you continue the exercise routine that you promised yourself you would.

In this moment, you are a perfect you. If you gain or lose some weight, then you will still be you. But if you’re kind to yourself right now and just notice how you are without beating up on yourself for what you see, then regardless of your weight, shape or size, you’ll feel satis­fied. This also applies to your sexual experience or lack of experience. If you are kind to yourself about what you don’t yet know or haven’t yet experienced, it is far easier to learn.

Most people are afraid that if they aren’t hard on them­selves, there will be no motivation to improve, no rea­son to move, and they will turn into the world’s largest couch potato. Not true. When you are feeling satisfied and good in your own skin, there is no need to turn to comfort food. That extra cookie doesn’t feel like a reward when living your life is its own reward. Don’t you feel more like moving out into the world and being active in your life when you aren’t being hard on yourself? When you don’t pick on yourself, your actions will support a healthy lifestyle and your body is sure to follow.

Since 1987, internationally acclaimed authors, seminar leaders, and business consultants Ariel and Shya Kane have taught individuals, couples and organizations across the globe how to live in the moment and unwire the knee-jerk behaviors that get in the way of living life with ease. The Kanes are coming to London, England on April 7, 2017 for a special evening event, An Intimate Conversation with Ariel & Shya Kane, and will be offering a weekend seminar, Excellence, Well-Being & Satisfaction: The Art of Being Yourself, in Cambridge, England June 30 – July 2, 2017. Together for 30 years and counting, people still ask Ariel and Shya if they are on their honeymoon. How to Have A Match Made in Heaven: A Transformational Approach to Dating, Relating and Marriage is available everywhere books are sold. For more information about the book, the Kanes and their seminars, visit

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