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A Conversation About Dating
February 2012
If you missed the last 2 months' articles, click here to view them.
Dear Friends,
As part of our online subscription series, the Premium Excellence Club, we have a monthly question & answer segment where members ask us questions that we answer in depth. In the spirit of Valentine's Day, we are pleased to offer you the following Q&A about dating.
Enjoy!
Ariel & Shya
Q: Dear Ariel & Shya,
I don't have a problem going out on dates. In fact I go out on quite a few "first" dates. The problem I face however is that they usually end after 1 date or 2. Very rarely do I go past 3 dates. Usually what happens is I find some reason that it won't work out; It might be that she's way too into sports and we don't have much in common or 'what will people think if we're together?' Sometimes I take my cues from the woman and convince myself she's the one that's not interested. At some level I feel I'm making excuses to avoid intimacy, but I'm not sure how to handle it. Is there some advice you can give me? Thank you!
A: Dear Friend,
You have an idea – it may not be a very well formed idea - but you have an idea of where it is supposed to go, this dating thing. Part of the idea is that it needs to lead to relationship and or marriage and children. So you are not really being with the person you are with, you are looking to see if she fits into the puzzle of where it's supposed to go. There is a song by Stephen Sills that says "If you can't be with the one you love honey, love the one you're with." Your idea of what a love relationship is supposed to look like keeps you from discovering the person who you are with.
One day, a number of years ago, we were standing on the beach in Costa Rica waiting for a small skiff to ferry us out to the sport fishing boat where we would spend a day on the sea. While waiting we noticed a tern, a sea bird, diving and attempting to catch small baitfish. This bird is an expert predator and its life depends on fishing successfully. It has been designed by evolution to be a master of its trade. What we noticed was that it took ten to fifteen attempts before it was successful at capturing a baitfish. We equate this to dating. Sometimes you are lucky and after one or two attempts you are successful at finding someone. But generally this is not the case. Give yourself a break. Take off the pressure to produce a result from dating. Dating is where you spend time with different people. You shouldn't expect that you will be compatible over time with every person you date or even most of the people you date.
We noticed you recently at a holiday party and it was our observation that you have no trouble with intimacy...unless you think it might be leading somewhere. We saw you chatting with a lovely lady and for a moment we forgot who you were and your story about yourself and we mistakenly thought that you and this gal were a couple. It was so sweet to see the level of intimacy between you two, how you leaned toward each other like plants towards the sun. But the moment we mentioned how sweet you were being with each other you then leaned as far away from her as possible and kept yourself from having any further interaction with her. You studiously avoided talking with her further as if we were your parents trying to marry you off or as if we were being matchmakers rather than observers of your behavior. Your judgmental mind stepped in. You had already relegated that woman to the "No Way" category. You could no longer simply be with her. Your mind had rejected her in the past and it carried over so there was no reinvestigation of who she was and who you were in that current moment. Your behavior and body language suddenly became that of a young child around the age that it was a disgusting idea that you might ever even kiss a girl. You looked as if she had cooties!
You have in place a dictate from a younger version of yourself that found your culture's drive to find a mate, get married and produce children from that union an anathema. In other words you said to yourself, "I am not going to be controlled that way." Or, "I am going to do my life my way." Or, "I'm never getting married!"
To the degree that you are in resistance to your culture and cultural heritage - and by extension your parents' desire for you to marry and marry well and have children - you will never have a life of your own. It will always be dictated by opposing what you think is requested of you.
Whenever you listen to your internal conversation about what other people will think about the woman you are dating, you are not being there. You have left the moment and have stepped into your judgmental mind's story and when you do that the other person always feels abandoned so it guarantees that the date will go nowhere – which, unbeknownst to the adult you, is exactly what the young childish version of you has promised himself.
So dear friend, each date that you have had that has gone nowhere has been a complete success. Congratulations. You have been successful at keeping your word with yourself from an early childhood decision. This decision was made by a very prudish, very shy little child. And so that is included now in how you interact with women. So as soon as there is the hint of relationship and sexuality you get tight – like you have to produce something. So you don't have the freedom to be with another because if it is in any way going toward sex and a meaningful relationship, it goes toward that childhood decision and reactivates that embarrassment. Of course we know you have had sexual partners – in fact we know of one lady with whom you had casual sexual relations over time. But it was really notable that while you both enjoyed the physicality, neither of you had any interest in each other as a "relationship". This made her "safe" and set it up for you to feel relaxed around her. Had she had any real interest in you, however, we are sure the dynamics would have been different.
So, now we have a question: Would you go to a six year old and ask him about relationship? Because a six year old's decision is still determining how you behave as an adult.
"What am I to do?" you might ask. Nothing. Awareness is key. So is the willingness to experience your embarrassment and prudish nature. So is the willingness to be a novice when it comes to ladies rather than trying to be sophisticated. (Being a novice can be very attractive, by the way.)
You can have fun with someone and it doesn't mean you have to date her again. You can date more than 3 times with someone and it doesn't mean you have to have her as your girlfriend. You can have a girlfriend and it doesn't mean you have to marry. You can even marry and you don't have to have children. You can even date and enjoy more than one person. You are in charge if you want to be – not the dictate of a young tantruming version of yourself.
By the way, the intimacy that you shared with that gal at the holiday party was so easy that you missed it. Perhaps you are already sharing intimate moments with many of the ladies you date but they are so normal and easy and effortless that you are missing them as they happen.
Again, noticing when you are pulled into your mind's complaint that "she isn't the one" and not resisting that thought or judging it or believing it to be true will allow you to have those thoughts complete themselves. Your mind will make comparisons to your unaware, unconscious, early template for relationship. It has practiced this way of relating to girls and then women since childhood. Awareness, a nonjudgmental seeing, will allow you to gain control of your own life. It will allow those things that you discover to complete themselves. And by the way: Fun. It is OK to have fun. Fun is the access way to enlightenment. It is also the access way to creating a magical relationship.
Since 1987, internationally acclaimed authors, seminar leaders, and business consultants Ariel and Shya Kane have acted as guides, leading people through the swamp of the mind into the clarity and brilliance of the moment. To find out more about the Kanes and their Transformational Community or to sign up to join their email newsletter, The Excellence Club: Having It All, visit their website at: www.TransformationMadeEasy.com. Information about their three award-winning books – Working On Yourself Doesn't Work: The 3 Simple Ideas that will Instantaneously Transform Your Life, How to Create A Magical Relationship: The 3 Simple Ideas that will Instantaneously Transform Your Love Life and Being Here, Modern Day Tales of Enlightenment – is also available on their website.
